Wil I ever

I met you.

you were everything I ever dreamed of, except there.

why couldn't I make you feel better? that's what I was focusing on during all that time. I was trying to make you feel important, and needed, and loved... because that's everything that I thought you needed.

but all you needed was him. all you could think about, dream about, cry about... was him.

I can still see your gaze when I close my eyes, those piercing eyes that made me feel so warm are now a reminder that you didn't actually see me. and I still can't put my finger on why that bothers me so much.

I had a dream, and for a second I allowed myself to make you part of it... I could imagine my life in five, ten, twenty years. I really know how crazy that sounds and I never thought I would put myself in that position. funny how we think we are immune to some things, how we think we learn from other's mistakes and still, we get caught on the same patterns as everyone else.

now it sucks to admit but I still feel broken. in my life you are this huge and vast forest that I am still struggling to escape from, all mangled and scratched. 

I wonder if in yours I'm just a dandelion that you picked from the side of the road.

why do I still see you? why are you in my mind all the time? why can't I shake you off and move on?

I feel stuck and the worst thing is that I can't really blame you for anything. you are not responsible for my delusional hopes.

he's your soulmate, I think. can't really compete with that.

but I gave you my hopes, even if you didn't ask for them, and now I can't really take them back. all that I wanted is gone with you.

I wanted you to leave the funeral with me... but I didn't notice who was in the coffin.

me. 

or who I thought I wanted to be.

now, incomplete, I keep trying to find ways to bring me back to that person. the person I was before I met you. but, we are a collection of our previous selves. aren't we? can't unbreak a broken heart.

the fucked up thing is that I would do it all again.

beacause pain or no pain, those piercing eyes made me feel seen.

even if they weren't looking at me.