The spirits in the room

And there they were, all of them sitting in a circle, they all smiled while sipping their coffees, they talked about trivial things waiting for the main event.

He showed up, the usual smile wasn't there for the fist time ever. They all noticed it so the random conversation morphed into an anxious silence.

He sat down, his back didn't reach the back of the chair, his body visibly tense, head down.

And while he hesitantly lifted his gaze to the nothingness beyond the group, as if he was talking to the spirits in the room, and not the people he started:

"Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk about how bad we were, how the past used to be unbearable, how we overcame, how we woke up today and we went through the day in-spite of every adversity that was thrown at us... how we put up a brave face and charge through life, unencumbered by IT.

How great are we? We did it, we survived, we keep it up ad we keep going!"

His distant eyes robbed the room of its light, then condensed it and reflected it back before it all came pouring in the form of tears.

"But we are frauds, aren't we? I mean... we do keep going, we do put up a face, but is it a courageous face or is it a mask that we use to hide behind? Are we here because we made it or are we here because we know we never will?

Today I woke up and I wish I hadn't... I started my day by looking at my face in the mirror and trying to convince myself that the day was beautiful and that I was feeling absolutely amazing. But can you really convince yourself of something like that?"

He paused and took a breath.

"Sometimes I think I can... and I go to sleep euphoric when I do it but sometimes my wishes are unmet, my pledge to myself and to the universe is broken and I get home and I crumble. And I mindlessly take a shower, and I curl into bed and I cry... and I can't stop crying, and I sob, and the pain is so huge that I have a hard time grasping for air"

He looks at the faces all around, acknowledging their presence.

"Do you know how may times I've come here with a mask on? Actually... do you know how may times YOU have came here with a mask on?

We will never be unencumbered by IT because IT is part of who we are. We can hide it but it won't go away."

He dries his eyes on the cuff of his jacket.

"So yeah... I will keep going though life and I'll come here to talk about the past and how now I'm so much better. But I needed you to know that once in a while I'll sit here with a mask on, and that mask is hiding the worst day of my life.

Even if it's not... it will feel like it.

And I know you feel it too.

I see your mask.

I see you."