Paul and the real ending

Have you ever thought about how feelings change? Because I hadn't, and that surprised myself recently.

Paul has been a constant in my life for a good number of years now... it all began with him being way too young and messaging me online, it evolved into both of us being of an acceptable age and dating for 6 months, and now... well, now things have changed.

After the last ending my heart was broken, I felt like I had given Paul everything I could to have a good relationship and even though I tried to understand, I didn't really accept the fact that he didn't see us as a couple, even after being together for so long and clearly head over heels for each other.

The thing is, I was completely in love with him. I could't stop smiling when I saw him. I felt excited before going out to see him, touching him was exhilarating, kissing could easily turn into this state of trance where the world would melt around us and there was only him and me.

Paul messaged me. Actually he has been messaging me since we broke up our 'non-relationship', and I didn't want to meet him at first because I thought my heart couldn't handle it... You know when you break an appliance, get it fixed and then you are extra-careful with it for a while, just to make sure you are not over-taxing it? Exactly... that appliance was my heart. I couldn't see him because I would break. So I didn't.

I pushed the meeting for as long as I could, knowing me it was only a matter of time before I would say yes, and knowing how I felt about him there was absolutely no way we wouldn't be back together after a date.

And indeed I caved and said yes... he was thrilled and I was anxious, that in itself was weird... I didn't feel the excitement I used to feel, there were no butterflies, what was happening to me? As I got into my car and my playlist started to play I told myself I was being silly. "Of course there are no butterflies, you know him" and so I drove to his house.

When he got into the car, I looked at him, and I recognized Paul, there he was, as mysterious and handsome as ever. I could smell him as we hugged, his perfume was also the same, the same I used to smell everywhere while we were together, something that always made me think of him.

He was there in front of me, as familiar as ever and yet... 

nothing.

I didn't feel anything anymore.

But I didn't say that to him immediately, I continued with the date and the awkward conversation. I tried not to look too shocked or too stoic, I forced myself to smile...

We kissed, and we kissed again, It was like I was trying to re-ignite that spark and... 

nothing.

I felt horrible. I wanted it to be the same, I wanted to feel the same way, I wanted to hold him in my arms and say how much I missed him, How much I missed his quirks, his handsome face, his body. And yet, I couldn't.

I'm convinced that a good relationship should mostly be effortless. I do understand compromise, I do understand that there will be a huge amount of work to keep things afloat, and if there is love you can certainly do that.  But it shouldn't require trying.

And what happened was, my feelings changed from spontaneously smiling when I saw him to actively trying to smile.

It seems like a small difference.

It is not.